I am learning we have to let go of the past to make room for our future. I think one thing for me that has been tricky is that in many ways in my life I am extremely blessed and privileged. I often times shy away from talking about traumatic experiences from my past because I haven’t felt convinced that my own life is worthy enough of a platform and that by talking about my own challenges I am stealing the spotlight from someone else; or even worse, just whining. OF getting up and saying, look this was really hard for me. I felt really scared and scarred for a long time, and in many ways I still do.
But it is my job now, as I get ready for parenthood, to leave it in a box by the door. To accept and acknowledge that it is okay to feel scared sometimes, but I have to know and trust and relax in the fact that everything will be okay and work out. To welcome that fact that my story is worth telling, and worth being heard and just as valuable as anyone’s experience.
This theme keeps reoccurring, maybe I have been holding onto things that have been seeping into other aspects of my life. Even though I fully believe that no one woman or man or couple is responsible for their infertility, there might be ways that pain from our lives affects us in many ways: spiritually, emotionally and physically in ways that are not always tangible.
The complications of my past are embroiled in family hardships and relatives who have chosen a life outside of my immediate family. It is about the wounds they have inflicted being on the one hand very real, and on the other hand necessary to forgive and move on in a more fearless life. I choose forgiveness not for them, but for me. To wish him well and wish him love and grace and to move on with my life. If I devote energy to thinking about the past I am not devoting it where it needs to be–in this very special present moment.
I have to. For the sake of my future child and for my husband and most importantly for myself.