Things have been “interesting” lately. I started this blog because of the uncertainty that lies ahead in my life. I know eventually there will be answers, and I will know what they are and look back and say “remember way back before I had any knowledge of this moment in now, and boy was this exactly as planned/not at all what I expected.” As you can probably tell by the name, I am hoping to be a future mom alongside my most wonderful of partner husbands and two cats, a turtle and a partridge in a pear tree.
This blog is going to be the artifact for those future moments, for posterity really. I might gain surprising insight along this journey and I might get to share some exciting life changing surprises with you, o vast and mighty internet.
A couple things to note; I know my circumstances are not unusual or new for many. I am under no pretenses that my experiences are unique to me, and not universal. I also know I write and come from a place of privilege, being an American, being white, having a job and not to mention access to food, shelter and healthcare. I get that, but maybe there is someone going through similar things to me, maybe people who have been there can shed light on this path as it is my turn now. I want to open my world up a little bit. I want to be a new kind of woman for 30.
A few things which I am uncertain about, on the brink of 30. Where to start? The two big buckets are health and family. That is my health and starting a family. My husband and I have been trying to conceive or “ttc” for the in the know folks, for a little more than a year. Number of months on clomid: 3. Number of miscarriages: 1. I have read a lot regarding this and am happy to join the discussion with countless other future moms about the trials and tribulations of this. However, the goal will to be battling and succeeding in not letting TTC dominate life as we know it.
But, as promised, things get more interesting. In the past I have dealt with precancerous cells on my cervix. I have had a LEEP procedure and after a recent biopsy it looks as though the cells have returned. This is pretty unusual, as after treatment the cells go away for most people. I am scheduled to see an oncologist for diagnoses and treatments related to cervical cancer in two weeks. I am nervous, as what person ever wants to have an oncology appointment? But, I am also looking forward to having some questions answered. I am anxious about what those answers might be, if I do get any, and what they will mean for our future family.
Will we be able to conceive naturally? Adoption feels very right, and my husband and I have begun the next steps discussion– but at what point do we begin that process?
How will this all shake out, I wonder. Have you experienced cervical cancer or treatment? Experienced infertility? Have you been adopted or are an adoptive parent?
Oh being a woman…what an amazing and confusing gift. In high school, I was just a mere nerdling beginning to blossom into a full on proud one, but I remember drawing a picture for the cover of the lit magazine. The theme was fertility and its connection to literature. I drew a pregnant woman at her mothers grave holding flowers as they wilted in her hand and new buds grew shyly from the Earth. A little heavy yes, but c’est la vie.